I've decided that many of the voices I hear regularly in my head are great at mimicking people in my life - their voices, their mannerisms, things they would probably say to themselves but never to my face (now that they've discovered I'm a crier).
My dear mother - a wonderful person and not one of these minions - was asking, yet again (and I was feeling guilty, yet again), about why we don't move over to the other side of the state, closer to where she is. The rent is cheaper, things are less expensive there, we'd be better off financially, yada yada. I love my mother and would live next door to her (in theory; in reality, I'd probably drive her nuts within 10 days).
Among other reasons - we've lived here for ten years and LIKE IT, the climate is nicer, we have friends and a good job - here's why we're over here instead:
1. "Having a blog is bad. Predators will find your children."
2. "Your [beloved family member] always seemed to me like he/she was 40 going on 14."
3. "Now that your [another beloved family member] is living on welfare, what is he/she going to do with his/her life?"
4. "Back in my day, children were to be seen and not heard." (My husband's brilliant response: "Isn't that when they used to hang people for being black?")
5. "Drive ten miles out of your way to personally say good-bye to your [another family member who couldn't care less], who has seen you more times in the last week than he has in three years, won't you, dear?"
6. *disapproving look at everything we do, say, don't do, don't say, think (she can read us like books)*
7. (After sharing an idea of something exciting and positive we might do in the future) - "You might think twice about doing that. Vera at work has a daughter whose husband's butler's baby-mama's dry cleaner did the same thing and she ended up with a tire iron through her bladder."
8. "Oh, honey, I wish you would go to the gym sometimes."
9. "If he changed jobs, you wouldn't have to live like refugees."
And my personal favorite:
10. "Dammit, take the money! You IDIOT! Oh, these people, they go on that show and they act all cocky and entitled, when you know their briefcase only has $1 in it and they're not gonna go home with JACK SQUAT! The *#@*& dummies." (This, while watching "Deal or No Deal." The guy was raising his blood pressure over a game show.)
It's not that we consider ourselves to be better than these people we call our family, and it's not that we can't or shouldn't forgive... but being the "not very good at confrontations" kind of people we are, we prefer to live at least three hours away from their mouths. For some reason they're always nicer - and watch less reality TV - while they're on the phone.
I just hope our kids don't find us too odious to live around, when they're grown up.
6 comments:
oh crybaby, you'll know you did your job properly if your kids live away from you. After all, its a parent's job to teach their kids independence. what a fine job your family did
That was spectacular! I especially LOVE #4!!!! ROFLMBO
That is why we are so fine with Mr.'s family living in California or Heaven. It's so much easier to love them when we don't interact with them daily :)
JK: Good point. They really did a great job. I'll never live next to them again.
Klin: It practically wrote itself. ;)
Tell your _________ they've got it good, we moved 2000 miles away.
Family......isn't it about putting just enough distance between you and them that they can't pop in for unexpected visits and horn in on your Cheeto stash?
GREEEEAAAATTTT. NOW you tell me this AFTER I move back to Texas by my family. Thanks. ;)
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